I did it again. It didn’t take me that long either. A mere week after playing ‘Onimusha: Warlords’ early, I spoiled another game on my list. You have to understand, for my articles to work, my memories need to undisturbed like a bed of freshly fallen snow. I can’t have it ravaged and sloppy, that’s how compromises happen. And yet, if my brain were a vagina, it would look like a pit bull eating mayonnaise.
So what did I do? I was at work one day when I saw that there was a speedrun of ‘Vectorman’ that I messed during the last AGDQ. Since no one was around to have lunch, I figured it was a good way to kill the fifteen minutes it took me to eat my crazy hot ramen. And because it wasn’t too long, I could watch another video while I blew out my asshole due to said crazy hot ramen. It was about half-way through my O-Ring collapsing that I realized I tainted my memories.
But you know what? I don’t feel like doing a review like I did for ‘Onimusha: Warlords’. That required effort. I think I made my stance on ‘effort’ very clear by this point. I think I’m just going to use my usual format, play the game, and spew out whatever stream of conscious bullshit comes my way. Will it be good? I don’t know. I also don’t care. And if you hate it, I still don’t care.
HERE’S WHAT I REMEMBER:
Doesn’t matter. Fuck you.
HOW DOES IT
HOLD UP WHATEVER?
You know what I did completely forget about? No continues. Here I was thinking that I saw just about everything I needed to see when something unexpected comes my way. Something I could actually comment on since it was the only pure thing that remained after I sullied my memories. So what do I think about this one untainted vision?
This game REALLY needs a continue system. It’s really easy to blow through lives, especially while I was getting used to the controls and physics, and without the ability to continue, I found myself wasting a lot of time making minimal progression. I sunk about a half hour into one playthrough as I tried to remember what worked and what didn’t only to be undone by one missed button press. ONE button press. I accidentally jumped into an enemy’s shot and was back at square one. I know there are people out there that will tell me about how that’s the charm of these old games and why they love them, but fuck those guys. It was bullshit the designers threw in to make kids re-rent the game over and over again. You want to know what disappeared the moment Blockbuster fell? Starting a game over from the beginning when you died. It was bullshit then, it’s bullshit now, and I’m not going to kowtow to a crowd that refuses to admit that putting up with this garbage is essentially self flagellation. They may be masochistic enough to enjoy the digital equivalent of shoving a glass rod up your urethra and smashing your dick on a table, but I’m not!
Beyond that, yeah, it’s a good game.
The levels are nice and complex, the shooting feels good, and while I do rage on about not having a continue system, health refills and extra lives are easy to come by. Boss battles are especially fun. They’re all big and creative, though admittedly a bit easy once you figure out their patterns. You’ll end up restarting the game a bunch of times learning the moves of the later bosses, but once you learn what you need to defeat them, you’ll only die if you stroke out or get stupid fingers.
What else is there to say about ‘Vectorman’? It’s a classic for a reason. It’s a pretty solid game that still holds up to this day. I’m sure modern audiences would prefer to have a version with save states, and I don’t blame them, but even without them this game is enjoyable. There are plenty of ways to play it, so pick yourself up a copy. You’ll only be slightly annoyed with it.
That’s it. 712 words. Don’t like it? Fight me.